Co-regulation explained: What it is and why it’s important

24 Mar

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the process in which a parent or caregiver provides a secure space for their child to feel and express their emotions, assisting them to learn to self-soothe and regulate emotions. It is the most effective way for children to develop self-regulation skills. Parents and caregivers play an essential role in helping their child learn to self-regulate, from birth and ongoing through childhood. Whilst an older child will not need to be soothed by being picked up, rocked or sung to like a baby, they still require nurturing and guidance to self-sooth and regulate.

Effective co-regulation enables your child to just “be” with their emotions and express them without judgement or embarrassment. Whilst problem solving is a great skill for them to learn, and definitely one that parents can help with, it’s important to wait until your child is feeling calm and regulated before making suggestions. Doing so when they are experiencing intense emotions is likely to be ineffective and runs the risk of them feeling invalidated.

Co-regulation provides a sense of safety and security. This is essential for children to learn strategies and skills to help them navigate difficult situations and cope with overwhelming feelings. Having a caring support person gives children confidence to try new techniques and feel safe making and learning from mistakes. Over time, children will gradually develop greater independence in their abilities to regulate and begin to move from co-regulation, to supporting themselves.

Co-regulation tips for parents

As parents, we’d all love to naturally have the skills to be a model co-regulation support person. But, with the busy schedules and life’s general demands, it can be hard to find the patience and brain space to be the best support person we can be. So, we’ve put together this list of tips that can make things a little easier.

Self-reflection

Reflect on your own understanding of emotions and your experience with emotional development. Consider how you recognise feelings in yourself and others, what signs you pick up on and how these different feelings may look or feel in your body. Think about the strategies that help you manage difficult situations and strong feelings. The ability to recognise emotions, label them and use coping tools and strategies is exactly what you will be supporting your child to learn.

Knowledge

Consider learning more about self-regulation strategies on an ongoing basis. Knowledge will help you feel more confident in your support role, which will in turn, help your child feel comfortable.

Take time-out

To be the best support person for your child, you have to look after yourself. During moments where they are pushing your buttons, or are stressed yourself, it’s always ok to take a break. Co-regulation is unlikely to be effective if you are not feeling calm. Be mindful to communicate to your child that you need a break and that you will be back. For example, saying that you need a short break and will be back after getting a drink of water. Walking away without explaining may cause them to feel unsettled or rejected.

Involve others

Try to involve other trusted adults and share the load. The important thing is that your child has caring people in their life to be present with them during difficult times. Also, your child will benefit greatly knowing they have multiple support people on board.

If you’re looking for further information some great resources are “No-Drama-Discipline” and “The Whole Brain Child” written by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

If you are worried about your child’s emotion regulation skills and development, it’s always best to seek professional advice.

Murray, R et al. 2015. Foundations for understanding self-regulation from an applied developmental perspective. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/opre/resource/selfregulation-and-toxic-stress-foundations-for-understanding-self-regulation-from-an-applieddevelopmental-perspective. Kinne, J. 2022. Co-regulation. The OT Toolbox. https://www.theottoolbox.com/co-regulation/Godfrey, P. 2024. The art of co-regulation: What is it? Play Therapy Hub. https://playtherapyhub.com/3471/Description text goes here